(no title)

baby’s first stand up

awwww look at me go

You can just taste the fresh local joke-y-ness

So this set has a lot of yogurt jokes for some reason, enjoy

film cherry

popped my film cherry with my baby Nikon N2020 AF which I bought at a yard sale in my old hood in Boyle Heights. Film is from my mom’s fridge – probably been there since I was a kid.

big thanks to scanning wizard Alex Brown, beautiful job –

Ok that’s a joke people, shot by my good friend and Art Center CA graduate Elizabeth Sarah Barr

Here’s the one I shot and edited mySELFie bitches… cause I can:

If you’d like, check out my new acting profile on Backstage

Also – you can check out my new work portfolio on Folio!

Untitled and Unremembered

I honestly don’t remember writing this, but it is in my journal. I know it was on a bus in Northern Argentina, but that’s about it. It was on the way up to see the Cataratas

Lights come up and a man is aiming a gun at a tourist-y looking woman. You can hear city noises in the distance. She has her arms above her head.

WOMAN (After an extremely long pause) …just shoot me.

MAN Listen lady, gimmie your fucking shit before I blow your brains into next week (his hand is shaking slightly but he steadies his aim. She remains somber.)

WOMAN No. (pause) I said shoot me. (She slowly lowers hers arms) its ok, do it.

MAN Put your hands back up! (She remains tense and still, calming her nerves) I’m serious! I will- (He takes a small step toward her and she raises her arms halfway) you aren’t a good listener bitch. Let’s go-

WOMAN I’m not a bitch, (calmly) you don’t- Don’t call me that.

MAN BITCH SHUT UP

WOMAN WHat if I said you were a bitch, or or your mother? How would that feel?

MAN Fuck, I dunno, you need to just… just shut up and put your hands-

WOMAN Is your mother a bitch?

MAN What?

WOMAN Is your mother, a bitch.

MAN Tha’s none of your fucking business

WOMAN (stronger, lowers arms) Then what business is it of yours to call me a bitch?

MAN I don’t think you understand the situation here

WOMAN (Suddenly aggressive and nervous) No. I don’t think YOU Understand that you should go ahead and fucking (screams) SHOOT ME!

MAN (Stutters but regains his position of power slightly) I- I well don’t call her a bitch again.

WOMAN Is she?

MAN My mother?

WOMAN yes, a bitch? (SHe takes a step back and he takes a quick step toward her, steading his aim again)

MAN So what if she is?

WOMAN (pause as she holds back tears) I’m sorry.

MAN (he becomes angry to stop from feeling otherwise) Look , you need to stop fucking around cause I’m getting sick of this shit.

WOMAN Fine. (long pause) Who’s important anyway right? I mean if life is yours to bargain with too… or rather, you assume… But I think it will be in a minute… (pause) I don’t want it.. and you don’t either…. but it’s mine.

MAN WHat the FUCK are you talking about?! You need, I mean, lady you don’t understand what this is.

WOMAN No. I do. And I thnk you should put the gun away (she takes a step but stops when he stiffens up) no no no listen, I need you to listen because this isn’t suppossed to happen, you aren’t- this isn’t right and you need to not be here. (SHe shudders and holds back tears, MAN is just confused and stunned) My mom was a bitch too.

MAN So?

WOMAN So we have somethings in common

MAN Things?

WOMAN Yeah, bitch moms… and some other things

MAN yeah like what bitch? (regrets saying bitch)

WOMAN It’s Je-

MAN (Yells and cuts her off) DON’T tell me your name, goddamit. I don’t wanna know you, like we… why are you even talking to me? You should be scared

WOMAN I am

MAN Well fucking…. just…. shut up. I’m nt putting it away, you’ll just run and rat me out.

WOMAN No, I won;t go back I-

MAN (Walks right up and points the gun right between her eyes) Listen I don’t wanna know shit about you cept how much money you have and how much your shit is worth (grabs her necklace but lets go nd steps back when they hear a siren, as he is distracted WOMAN pulls out her own gun and puts it to her head. MAN sees and lowers his gun briefly, flabbergasted and s[puttering) Wh-what? Are you crazy?

WOMAN It’s mine not yours, put your gun away (she is calm on the surface, but her eyes swell with emotions unexpressed)

MAN n-no you put that shit away

WOMAN You aren’t going to shoot me

MAN But you said-

WOMAN I knew you wouldn’t because that’s not what you came here to do. But it’s what I came here to do and I’m not letting you take this away from me. How dare you even begin to assume that this is yours to play with. It belongs to ME and you could NEVER take it away- you could never find it or see it or use it. It’s in there (pause, slightly less controlled) in that space in the space you cant get to, it’s outside you (she is crying now) My head, my hair (pushes the gun harder against her head) my life

(long pause as they both hold aim, arms shaking. she cocks the gun getting ready)

MAN Put that shit away lady… y-

WOMAN no, YOU need to get out of here. Go, GO!

MAN Put the gun away!

(Her crying slows and she lowers the gun. He lowers his and takes a step to her. Eventually he reaches her and they embrace, she sobs as he slowly places a hand on her head. Suddenly, she shoves him and he falls to the ground)

WOMAN It’s Jenny. (puts the gun back to her head quickly)

MAN N-

BLACK OUT and we hear complete silence (perhaps we hear a gunshot)

you lost my debit card: an open letter to Lock & Key bar

I originally posted this on facebook and tagged Lock & Key, as of now there’s been no response

An open letter to Lock & Key bar on Vermont,

hey hi whats up…
So your bartender lost my debit card by giving it to another Martinez… it’s my unemployment card so it’ll take 2 weeks for me to get a new one… in the meantime I’m penniless so thanks for that.
Also, what kinda “upscale” bar hands cards back to the wrong people? I get that mistakes happen- but maybe part of your strive towards “upscale dinning” should include bartenders that are AT LEAST as good as the ones in the nearby dive bars. I expected a higher level of service after I was told I couldn’t bring my hoodie into the bar (I was wearing a nice dress btw) and that my friend couldn’t wear a shirt with the logo of the company she works for on it… really?
You share a wall with a Chevron and are located across from a Vons… it’s not that fancy- and maybe put “cocktail attire” on your website… just a thought.

Next – I have never met such a rude staff in my life. I obviously, have done nothing wrong in this situation yet they made me feel as if asking them to look for my debit card was the most ridiculous thing they’d ever heard. Not only was my bartender a BAD one (just givin Martinez debit cards away to any Martinez who’s asking…) but when I asked if we could possibly contact the girl who had my card he scoffed, cut me off and said “well there’s a lot of Martinez out there in the world you know.”

yeh I’m fucking aware, I didn’t mean get a phonebook you idiot

I meant call her credit card company and explain your mistake – but I was not given time to explain, instead I was shuffled off to another bartender who seemed nice.
After I waited patiently for 20mins they took my information I asked for a number of a manager and I was given a card. I asked, “will someone pick up?” and I was assured by this other bartender, “yes, someone live will pick up… the owner’s name is Cyrus” With no other choice, I walked back to the car, warmed by sheer anger and NOT my hoodie.

No one has called me from the bar yet so I called the number and, of course, it was a general information line that goes straight to voicemail – so in addition to loosing my property, you lied to me.

So now I’m flat broke, mad and feeling kinda helpless- what am I supposed to do? Go back to the bar and yell this time? Ask for a loan? A coupon?
All of those things are pointless… the only thing that would help now is a little thing we often forget, which is common courtesy.

An apology would be nice too- and not the snide obligatory ones I was getting last night. An apology that comes from a shared perspective of “hey, we caused you a lot of problems didn’t we?”

I guess this is turned into an even open-er letter, to people out there who say, “fuck it.”
To those who shurg and turn away when people trip or drop all their things or can’t get their wiFi to restart properly.

Yeah maybe I’m being dramatic, and YES this is a first world problem but isn’t there an issue here? When did it become so easy for us to ignore our sympathetic feelings towards one another? Where are the people turning and saying, “hey… you should have helped them” or “that’s not nice…”

No one had to lie to me, or dismiss me or be rude to me last night, but it was easier, so they did.

Well you know what’s easier for me? Easier than ignoring, easier than lying, and easier then yelling or pointing fingers… it’s easier for me to write, so here you go.

sincerely,

vivian

ps – Lock & Key, if you want to talk to me you have my information and I’d be more than happy to discuss this further.

#cats and dreams

Dream of A Thousand Cats just shot up my list of favorite short stories – it’s in the amazing Sandman world yet stands on it’s own two paws so brilliantly.

Kiki

sneak peek of a new story I’m writing:

He sat and the piano bench creaked. It blew his mind back to the first time he heard the familiar yet perpetual squeak of polished wood under thighs. He knew he was special from the moment he hung from his teeth gopher style off his family’s record player. You can still see the little bite mark of a child who needed both his hands in order to put on the music he longed to hear. Was it curiosity or a love of music that made him endure the pain of hanging by his mouth? Was it simply a love for sound that drove this boy to genius? His inquiring mind was unstoppable- the boy devoured the technology in his environment and began to manifest wonders.
Technology and music have always been intertwined in such a perfect way that we can’t even see it; like DNA or a peanut butter and jelly taco.

is it cell phone or cellphone?

I found this and thought well duh viv, then I looked up when I wrote it:

“Deep within the sub cultural circuitry of our modern day society something is happening. The fabric upon which we communicate is being re-sown and re-birthed by technology. The cell phone has quickly established itself as a super contender in the world market for communication; and further, has had such an enormous impact on our lives that it’s beginning to reshape our vernacular. Amongst the flurry of text messages, instant messages, emails, and phone calls, a new pseudo language is evolving. A sort of abbreviated digital slang has evolved out of a need for efficiency. Substituting proper grammar in place of quick communication. A new neo-hieroglyphic form of communication is slowly maturing in our world. One where letters take on a more ancient role of conveyance through visual implication rather than phonetics. The most rudimentary cellular(phone) example of this can be found in that of the happy face. Formed through using various assemblages of colons, equal signs, brackets, and parentheses, an individual can imply and suggest a myriad of different feelings and gestures based solely on the way it looks. This hodgepodge form of communication seems to reference ties right off the walls of the caves of Lascaux, or directly from the mighty Egyptian hieroglyphs. Communication has run full circle, and suddenly we have found ourselves upon the dawn of the past, reinforced by the technologies of today.”

– Vivian Martinez

October 17th 2006

SKEKSIS; or, They Wouldn’t Believe Me.

So once I had a dream and forgot about it- then, an amazing friend of mine with an incredible memory told me a snippet; it sparked a fuse, and a dream redeveloped.

I have many many cinemascope sort of, larger than life, century long epic dreams. Most of them involve me trying to save the lives of a large to medium sized group of a mixture of my friends from different eras. The endings are always unknown, but there are different Act II templates. Act II templates include They Wouldn’t Believe Me, They’re Gonna Kill Us, We Gotta Get Outta Here, It’s Gonna Kill Us and the classic What is Trying to Kill Us? I once saved a high school friend along side an old roommate and my sister in an epic fight against robots; we were at the bottom of a slide in an amusement park run by the undead… but that’s a different story.

Anyway- in this dream we insert the Act II template of They Wouldn’t Believe Me with light amounts of They’re Gonna Kill Us. This one took place in present day Los Angeles, more specifically Silver Lake where I lived in a lovely sunny apartment near the reservoir, and a bar called the Cha Cha Lounge.

From our apartment you could see the drunken bar flies zipping back and forth in front of our building. I was right there on the sidewalk that I saw the first murder in my dream. Now – don’t be worried about my mental health, because this was more of a comically frustrating dream. Think, Bill Murray in Groundhog’s Day. So anyway, I see the murder right? But it’s kinda dark and hard to see, all I can make out is a giant bird-like creature rush up behind a bearded hipster dude, grab his neck and pull him down out of sight. You could see all this going on through the window of our dim living room scene. The room had an old television which had been converted into a fish tank; but the murky tank hadn’t had fish in years.

So, I see this guy get taken down outside and quickly inform my roomies, “woah, did anyone else see that?” a sea of all the faces of everyone I’ve ever lived with looked up at me from various books/laptop screens and give me a “huh?” look.

Nobody seemed to know what I was talking about so I shrugged it off and didn’t mention it to anyone again. Later I thought to myself “that bird-guy thing creeps me out, I’m gonna see what’s up…” and decide to google ‘missing persons in Los Angeles.’

There’s a part missing here in my memory but the next scene begins with me coming home to the apartment after work a few days later. There is a shared omniscient knowledge that people have been going missing throughout L.A. without anyone knowing why or how, yet I don’t remember how this knowledge manifested itself in my dream… facebook maybe? Also, I’ve been telling my roomies about it for days and no one believes me. Don’t forget, that by roomies I mean an endless cavalcade of roommates, friends and family from the past and present; “Intervention” style.

So I come home from work a few days later, walk in and everyone is sitting in my living room laughing and eating GIANT tacos with little tacos on top. Amongst them, with his own giant taco with lil tacos on top was a Skeksis.

If you aren’t familiar with the Skeksis or Jim Henson’s Dark Fantasy Sci-Fi piece, The Dark Crystal then you’re missing out- I won’t ruin it for you but the Skeksis are a race of gigantic vulture like bird kings who harshly and lavishly struggle to stay in power, while their robes turn to rags. They steal souls, sack villages, commit genocide… they are EVIL. They also worship this dark sort of crystal… hence the name.

Here’s another photo, it kinda looks like his headshot:

*My dramaturgy for this piece (I goggled “Skeksis,” -I love you internet/wikipedia) lead me to this fun fact, “Most of the philosophical undertones of the film were inspired from “Seth Material“. The Seth Material is a collection of metaphysical texts dictated by the American psychic Jane Roberts. Which Henson kept copies of in his office and had his production staff read.”

ANYway so I enter the apartment and everyone’s eating these oversized cartoon looking tacos with little tacos on top and my jaw drops to the floor as I recognize the murderer I had seen the other night. Little bits of taco spewed out of his mouth as he gargle/laughed along with all my friends.

“Who is this?” I awkwardly blurted out, still holding my purse in one hand, my laptop bag slung over my shoulder.

“Oh this is Skeksis – he’s our new roomie, hope you don’t mind! We said it was cool for him to move in.” everyone smiled and chewed.

“Well, no one asked me… but,” I felt myself trailing off as the Skeksis stared at me, his eye twinkling. I didn’t want to be the only one who said it wasn’t ok… but there was definitely something wrong with this guy; besides the fact that he was a 8 foot tall, pterodactyl with a mischievous look and torn victorian robes. I tried to pull one of my roommates aside to explain, but they wouldn’t listen, “No I SWEAR that’s the guy who’s been killing people!” I pointed to Skeksis as I whispered from the kitchen, looking at him looking at me.

“Skeks? Naw man, he’s new to LA.” the room laughs at a joke Skeksis has made and everything seems to be fine, my friends pats my arm and goes back to eating her giant taco with little tacos on top. After a beat ‘Skeks’ excuses himself, putting down his giant taco, and walks out the front door to the street where the hipsters will soon be going by. I can see him out the window, past the couch where my friends are stuffing themselves with Disney tacos. I sit and watch, thinking “maybe he’s alright…” but suddenly, I see Skeksis grab an innocent girl in high waisted polka dot shorts and drag her down out of sight.

“See! LOOK!” I said and sprang up, knocking into someone’s taco and sending lettuce everywhere, “did you guys see that?” I pointed right out the window past everyone’s head, but by the time their taco stuffed mouths turned to look, there was nothing there- in true slapsticky Abbott and Costello fashion.

“What?” my friend angrily wiped lettuce off her lap, “I don’t see shit Viv, why don’t you chill out yeh?” I stared out the window, blinking and hoping that the dark would somehow clear itself out to become the picture I wanted them to see. Everyone was looking at me like I was nuts ,so I decided to relax and put my stuff down in my room. By the time I came back out Skeksis was back, eating his giant taco with little tacos on top, as if nothing had happened. I half smiled and his grin greased up the side of his face as I walked by to go to the kitchen.

“Hey, so where’s my taco? Did you guys make me one?”

There was a super awkward silence, “Oh shit sorry dude, I guess we forgot and gave yours to Skeksis!” my friend shrugged and everyone continued eating, a little guiltily, but no one slowed down.

“Oh thats ok, no worries” I said, trying not to sound so hurt. Skeksis’ eyes burned into me. I was starving so I asked, “can I have one of the little tacos on someone’s big taco?” and that’s when everyone stopped eating to look at me; my roommate looked up and me, sneered and said, “how are we supposed to eat our giant tacos without the little ones on top?” I heard a round of, “yeah, c’mon,” “duh” and “seriously?” from around the room.

“I suppose you’re right- ha…” I trailed off as my roomies’ faces disappeared behind the tacos again. Skeksis stared at me through the eyes of an alligator and then went out the front door again.

I shuffled back to my room, hungry and heard a sound like, someone screaming.

If a Mayoral Race happens in Los Angeles and no one is around to vote on it, does it happen?

or “Wait… we’re voting on stuff?”

The primaries for our Mayoral race is tomorrow and I’ve barely heard a tweet about it. While searching online a week ago for any videos or information about who to vote for in this upcoming election I was baffled to find… none. ‘Cept this:

Click here to watch, maybe we can make the views go past 200!

This is the worst organization of any event I have ever seen – highlight of the video at 1:12 when the guys starts singing to fill time while Jan Perry puts her giant purse down… also the 12 year old moderator in his uncle’s suit.

Now, thankfully, there’s more stuff online, here’s a recent debate which took me over 20 minutes to find online… that’s like 50 years in “2000’s time.”

Lucky for me, I’m a registered voter* and I receive TONS of pamphlets and leaflets in my mailbox everyday; not only about the Mayoral candidates, but about the other candidates running for the various other offices. That plus some excessive google-ing has helped me to decide who to vote for this March, and I thought I’d share my choices:

there ya go, but If you’d like more info, PLEASE read on.

WHAT ARE WE VOTING FOR?

Mayor
City Attorney
Controller
LAUSD Board of Education
LA City Community College District Board of Trustees, Seats 2, 4 and 6

WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE THINGS?

Mayor – duh, read a book. Our current Mayor is Antonio Villaraigosa
City Attorney – “an elected official whose job is to prosecute all of the misdemeanor criminal and civil offenses within the city of Los Angeles. In addition, the City Attorney litigates all civil actions on behalf of the City and represents the City, its boards and officers in all civil trials and legal proceedings in local, state, and federal court.” – Attorney.LAcity.org Our current City Attorney is Carmen Trutanich
Controller – “is the taxpayers’ watchdog and the City’s chief auditor and accountant. The Controller’s job is to investigate and publicly report problems with city departments” – Controller.LAcity.org Our current Controller is Wendy Greuel
LAUSD Board of Education Member – “is the governing, policy-making body of the Los Angeles Unified School District. Members of the Board make decisions on matters relating to public education in the City of Los Angeles and several surrounding communities” – LAschoolboard.org
L.A. Community College District Board of Trustees – no idea… I’m assuming it’s like the LAUSD Board for Education, here’s the website, maybe you can find something
Prop A & B – I’ll get to these at the end…

WHO IS RUNNING? I’ll just go over the big ones… sorry but there’s just not enough time!

Mayor / All are democrats except for Kevin James, a Republican

Jan Perry – LA City Councilwoman
Emanuel Alberto Pleitez – Technology Company Executive
Eric Garcetti – LA City Councilman
Wendy J. Greuel – LA City Controller
Kevin James – Radio Broadcaster / Attorney

City Attorney

Carmen “Nuch” Trutanich – Current City Attorney
Noel Weiss – Attorney / Community Advocate
Mike Feuer – Assembly Member / Public Interest Attorney

Controller

Ankur Patel – Student labor Organizer
Ron Galperin – Efficiency Commissioner / Businessman
Dennis P. Zine – L.A. City Councilman
Analilia Joya – Disability Advocate / Teacher

Now, let’s go over information I’ve found out, one section at a time. This is based according to my assessment of the videos and news I’ve digested:

Mayor / We’ve never had a female, openly gay man NOR a Jewish Mayor in LA.

Jan Perry – Jewish! I had no idea… / Currently not doing a great job in city council / does not advocate for the poor
Emanuel Alberto Pleitez – only true Latino running / 30 yrs old / hardcore grassroots campaigning / says Perry, Greuel and Garcetti “don’t deserve a promotion” / is literally running 20 miles a day, going door to door meeting people and shaking hands
Eric Garcetti – very educated and well traveled / plays up his Latino roots (he is either half or a quarter Mexican sources say) but is from a wealthy family who grew up in Encino / supported by Mayor Bloomberg’s super pac / is said to be indecisive / was president of LA’s city council for the last 6 years (as he let hollywood loose most of it’s work to other states…) / one of the highest paid member of any city council in USA
Wendy J. Greuel – worked with former Mayor Tom Bradley beginning in her 20’s / originally from the valley where she worked at her father’s small business / accused of “working for the DWP” because the unions have funded her campaign / has snubbed local papers’ requests for her public emails and documents although, it does take notoriously long to get anything in the gov.
Kevin James – Former radio broadcaster & Attorney / openly gay (yes, a gay Republican) / tolerant of cannabis laws / argues that, “city hall is broken, and they [Perry, Greuel and Garcetti] broke it” / inexperienced and a long shot, but a deff outsider to our corrupt system

City Attorney

Carmen “Nuch” Trutanich – lied about his term as city attorney and now he has to run for hi own office in order to keep his job haha / would rather go after Cannabis Dispensaries then dangerous criminals / refused to take a pay cut while his office has a higher salary than the mayor AND Attorneys across Los Angeles are being laid off
Noel Weiss – Attorney / Community Advocate
Mike Feuer – Assembly Member / Public Interest Attorney / started the city’s 311 program / endorsed by democrats, LA Times, Los Angeles and by Senators Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstein

Controller

Ankur Patel – very unknown but has good ideas
Ron Galperin – the one to beat / endorsed by LA Times and former City Controller Laura Chick
Dennis P. Zine – part of a corrupt system
Analilia Joya – another long shot

LAUSD Board Member District #2

Monica Garcia – hated by most LAUSD teachers / was endorsed by the LA Times yet even they say, “it’s only because there is no one else,” not because they think she’ll do a good job
Isabel Vazquez – the only option to vote for really

Plan A is not supported by ANY of the candidates for Mayor. It’s is a silly tax height which will only effect the lower and middle classes.

Plan B is hella confusing…

So after some careful calculating and thinking, these are my endorsements:

Mayor – Wendy Greuel

City Attorney – Mike Feuer

Controller – Ron Galperin

LAUSD Board Member District #2 – Isabel Vazquez

Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 2 – Mike Eng

Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 4 – Ernest Henry Moreno

Member of the Board of Trustees, Seat No. 6 – David Vela

NO on both PLAN A and B

Unfortunately as much as I’d like to vote for a less corrupt Mayor, I believe that Kevin James will just suck votes from Wendy Greuel and Garcetti. My vote, sadly is a realistic one. But if I had to vote otherwise, I think I’d pick Kevin James.

So, there you go. Now go vote!

It’s no big secret that the Los Angeles government is in a bit of shambles, failing educational systems, vigilante police officers, city council conspiracies, high unemployment and low high school graduation rates etc. It’s dismal but have we as Angelinos completely given up? No one believes that a government can be changed by its people anymore. If this is true then, sadly, our democratic system will fail soon; not because it doesn’t work, but because no one is looking at.

Angelinos and Angelinas, you should care about your city and care about yourselves….

*Lucky for you, YOU also have the right to vote.

FROM THE VAULT #3 Baby Seals & Fucking Trees

Baby Seals and Fucking Trees

By Vivian Martinez

RUNNER: woman late 20’s fit
READER: male late 20’s goofy but cute

Scene takes place outside of a Pete’s Coffee.

Lights up and we see RUNNER run by READER who notices her go by, as she passes she sees him and looks away. He looks up at her again and when she turns around to come back he gets nervous and hides behind his book.

RUNNER Hey (He ignores her)

RUNNER Hey (She stops and jogs in place near him) Listen man… (Pointing at him and the book) I know what’s up. I know what’s goin’ on here.

Reader still ignores her

RUNNER HEY… (She stops running and grabs book)

READER Wh- Excuse me? What are you doing? Are you crazy?

RUNNER You gotta be kiddin me, I’m crazy… me? (Shakes the book)

READER Yes, you. YOU are crazy, I don’t know you… you just, you came over here- take my book… what the hell!? Who are yo- no I don’t even want to know. This is ridiculous, I’m trying to read and just, you know, have some coffee and relax and you aren’t helping, now… gimmie my book back (Grabs for the book)

RUNNER OooOOOOOooooh no you don’t… I’m not giving this back until you admit it.

READER (Pauses a little flabbergasted) Y- wh- …it’s my book, give it to me!

RUNNER No

READER Give it to me! (Lunges for it again) seriously, I’m going to punch you in the face. (Laughs uncomfortably, thinking “is she joking?”) Give-me… my book (Reaches for it, she pulls it away). You are starting to annoy me missy. You’re wasti-

RUNNER You’ve been annoying the shit outta ME for the past 2 months!

READER Wh- two months… how did you? Have you- (Looks around himself paranoid) have you been watching me?

RUNNER (Gives him a “are you fucking joking me?” look)

READER Ok, this is getting fucked up… (Nervous now) Just keep the book (Fidgeting in his chair) I got it for free anyway. You’re scary, right now… you know that? (Lame attempt at humor, but it is sweet) I wouldn’t want to come across you in a dark alley with a book in your hand (Tries to laugh it off) A hard cover… haha… no? Tough crowd…

RUNNER I bet you recycle too…

READER Excuse me?

RUNNER Yeah that’s what I said, re-cy-cle.

READER Well of course I recy- don’t you? (Trying to make light of the situation) I mean we live in LA, we have to.

RUNNER (Sits in chair opposite) Come on man… you’re not foolin’ anybody.

READER Who? Who’s ‘anybody?’ What do you me- (Brings his voice down) Are you high? (Beat) Do I recycle? Am I on a game show… who are you?

RUNNER You’re not really reading this book (shakes book at him)

READER What?… wha- you mean- what are you talking about?

RUNNER You are just pretending to read because you think it makes you look smart.

READER (Long beat) You’re-

RUNNER (Quickly, accusing but not bitter) Come on, you’re not foolin’ me. Are you trying to pick up women or some dumb shit like that?

READER No!

RUNNER (Sing-songy) Bullshit!

READER How do you even know? (Stumbling over his words) We’ve, when I- I’ve never seen you eh, here… before…

RUNNER Well I see you. All the time. At this Pete’s coffee.

READER They have good coff-

RUNNER Oh cut the shit you just want to look smart because it’s what’s “cool now.”

READER Can I have my book now?

RUNNER No, I’m sick of you. I run down this block every Tuesday and Thursday and you are always here! Is it cause the yoga class is across the street? It is isn’t it? Ugh you make me sick. I can’t believe you, sitting here every day waiting for them to come out and look like (notices the title) you’re reading, the lovely BONES!? Really? Jesus… hold on I’ll be right back.

READER Wait, hey give me my bo- (He trails off as she gets up and goes inside with his book, he sits in an uncomfortable state… improvise some physical comedy involving awkwardness until she comes out, maybe he gets up at one point and sits down again… practices saying hello to her and asking her name)

RUNNER Here (hands him a water) truce. (It’s not a question)

READER Oh thanks, that was fast.

RUNNER Huh? Oh, yeah I know the guy, I mean… I live around here.

READER Yeah I know I see you run by all the time. (Takes his time) I mean, I see you too (clears his throat) you know.

RUNNER Oh fuck off.

READER What!?
RUNNER Stop hitting on me! You think I’m gonna fall in love with you cause you fucking READ? That’s such bullshit. All you people make me sick… I see it everyday you know? When I run by these shops with all their “save the planet” shirts or the, “I EFFIN love trees” handbag made out of baby seal… it’s so pretentious and you, you jerk, are the last straw.. I mea… pretending to read? Come on man.
READER How do you know I’m pretending?
RUNNER (Sighs) you’ve been reading the same shit for 2 months now. It took me like 3 weeks to read Lovely Bones, back in 1992, or whenever that book came out. (Thinks) 2004, yeah 2004.
READER Well I just got it…eh, I’m a slow reader.
RUNNER You’re fucking joking me… I’m not dumb! If you enjoy reading SOO much then you wouldn’t wait to drive all the way to the nearest Pete’s coffee that happens to have a lot of foot traffic due to a yoga studio being across the street… (Raises an eyebrow at him) right?
READER Ok ok ok
RUNNER HA I knew it!!
READER I’m not reading it. Not really anyway, some parts are ok. But usually I just watch the people that go by. I’m shy! Gimmie a fuckin break!

RUNNER I was right, ha! I knew I was right… you fuckin people and your fake fakey-ness. This is just perfect in our world, of course you are just being fake in this fake-ass world- People pretending to have devotions to the newest band wagon trend. Fucking green shit, Occupy the whatever the fuck. Oh I care… UGH. No one actually does anything about anything anymore. Apathy is like our new flu virus.

READER I’m not apathetic! I recycle!

RUNNER (Laughs) way to go man… Way. To. Go. (She stands to leave)

READER Well wait a second. What about you? Miss “I jog in a high pedestrian area in little clothes to stay in shape” yeah right! You just wanna show off your ass, I see you run by here every Tuesday and Thursday, and sometimes on Friday if you don’t go on Thursday.

RUNNER Fuck you! (Starts to walk off but stops)

READER Oh good one! Did you read that one in the paper today? Which you must read front to back everyday because you are so high and mighty, what do you ride your bike to work- your little Nalgene bottle with the “vegans do it better” sticker on it, tucked into your little eco friendly basket woven by fuckin’ ex-homeless people who lived under the 101 but now have their own internet start-up Downtown? (Beat) You know what, fuck you! (Begins to walk away backwards slowly) YOU are the pretentious one, you’re the one who parades around this, no- MY Pete’s coffee in… trampy clothes!

RUNNER (She is a little speechless, she find this a little funny but doesn’t want him to know, she calls out to him) Oh yeah! Well The Lovely Bones is for fags! (Throws book at him)

READER Hey! You crazy bitch! You’re fat!

RUNNER (She walks up to him) If I’m so fat then why are you constantly staring at my BIG fat ass?!

READER Cause I’m such a FAG (stereotypical gay voice) I can’t wait ‘til they have those shorts in my size!

RUNNER What? Couldn’t find them at “douche bags-R-US?” Did you miss the sale cause you were too busy watching “Hollywood’s Wettest Boobs” marathon on Spike TV? (They are shouting in each others faces)

READER Listen “compost heap in mah backyard,” don’t judge me. (Beat) I’m sorry I called you trampy.

RUNNER I’m sorry I called you a fag.

READER That’s ok, you’re kinda right. I mean I’m not… I like girls… but, you know what I mean.

RUNNER (Laughs) Internet start-up… that was a good one, touché.

READER (Laughs too) Sorry I was caught up in the moment, I mean… you gave me a lotta grief there… I had to rep my shit yo (Throws up some lame gang sign)

RUNNER (Can’t help laughing) You’re so lame. But oddly sharp with you’re humor, you’re funny.

READER Well I hope so, I’m a comedian. Well I mean, I’m trying to be… you know, a comedian.

RUNNER Really? Shy huh? Liar… (Laughs it off, and it starts to get a bit awkwardly cute)

READER Around attractive girls, yeah.

RUNNER What, you only play to all ugly crowds? Is there a sign outside (Indicates imaginary sign) “Ugly Woman Only”

READER Yeah, I think your sister was there last night.

RUNNER (Laughs) I’m only laughing cause Syl would find that funny too, not because she’s ugly.

READER Sill? Like window?

RUNNER Like Sylvia… dumb ass.

READER Oh ha, right. I like that name it’s classy sounding. So, your parents follow through with your name?

RUNNER It’s Nora.

READER Oh that’s nice too.

(Odd silence)

READER Is that with an A or an AH?

RUNNER With an A… why?

READER I dunno, I only thought that far.

RUNNER What?

READER Well, I didn’t think of anything else to say to you after I asked you your name… I mean, I imagined you ask me what mine was and we went from there but you didn’t ask me, you selfish bitch (He is joking)

RUNNER Sigh… and now you’re getting all smoothy smooth romantic comedy on me?

READER Oh come on! Please don’t be all domineering “I am woman here me roar.” I’m just a guy trying to ask a girl on a date. I don’t sit out here pretending to read to get yoga girls’ attentions… I sit out here and pretend to read The Lovely whatever because I see YOU run by here all the time. I live close too ya know and I just moved here so please don’t give me a hard time; please. You girls all think it’s so hard to meet a nice guy (Mimicks a girls voice in an annoying way) “All men are dicks! Woman are smarter! Weh!” But it’s really not. You just scare the shit out of us! I mean, I was just sitting here reading, putting out my “please talk to me vibe” and what did it get me? Two months of wasted time, you calling me a fag, and throwing a book at my head. I mean I’m all for equal rights and shit, but sometimes you gotta let a guy appreciate your hot ass- and by ass I mean “personality” and by hot I mean “I respect you.” (Beat) No you know what, fuck it. I meant hot ass… you have, a hot, sexy ass. There I said it. (Quickly) My name is Roger, and I think you have a hot sexy ass.

RUNNER (Doesn’t know what to say, sort of half smiling, READER looks scared to death, waiting for her to say something, but she says nothing and goes inside again)

READER Wha- (Shakes his head) “Hot sexy ass?” She probably thinks I’m a moron. (Gets up and picks up his book, looks back for her but she doesn’t come out, starts to walk inside then stops) No no, just go man. (He turns and walks quickly away)

RUNNER Hey, wait! Roger! (He is delighted that she says his name, he turns) I went and got a pen. (Smiles)

READER So I can-

RUNNER Yup

READER So we can-

RUNNER Yyyup.

READER And maybe after the second date we can-

RUNNER (Laughs)

READER Oh fuck yeah. (Tosses book and briskly walks to her)

some of my favorite movies

in no particular order…

Yellow Submarine actually, this one goes first…

Young Frankenstein gene wilder is a god among men

La Vita è Bella (Life is Beautiful) Holocaust comedy, it works, you cry… amazing, other Benigni classics-

Johnny Stecchino, Il Mostro (The Monster) and he’s amazing in the next movie on the list:

Coffee and Cigarettes comical vignettes, mostly about addictions… great cast, effin hilar

The City of the Lost Children directed by Jean-Pierre Jeunet… the camera shots and visuals are in-cre-di-ble

the three trilogies (BTTF, IJ, SW) duh

A Very long Engagement the only war movie I’ve even enjoyed, fantastic viz, great acting

A Fish Called Wanda f-f-f-ucking hilarious

Dr. Strangelove A MUST SEE, peter sellers… another god among men

Annie Hall so realistic you feel like woody allen was following you around

The Party another masterpiece of physical comedy by mr. sellers

Harold and Maude cat stevens soundtrack… amazing

Lost Highway / Wild at Heart david lynch films, Wild at heart is my fav anti-rom com

Lolita great story, once again… sellers rocks

Bananas/Take the Money and Run/Sleepers woody allen golden age

The Three Caballeros donald duck takes you on a stereotypical journey through mexico

Dark Crystal never ending story plus fraggle rock plus the labryinth plus… eh… something dark and in the woods = jim henson’s darkest/best film

Pan’s Labryinth a grown up’s fairy tale… or a child’s harsh reality

Donnie Darko (dir. cut) a classic… plus jake gyllenhaal is a hottie

Breathless jean luc goddard

Seven Brides for Seven Brothers this movie is gay-er than a parade but I love it, great dance scenes

Persepolis great story, touching to the core, it owns your brain from the moment it starts. better comic

Groundhog’s Day bill murray, nuff said

Holy Mountain trippy to say the least… deff a morality story

Santa Sangre trippy to say the least, Jodorowsky’s flick about his mama

The Triplets of Bellville cartoon, best movie soundtrack ever… simple and surreal with great characters

Performance starring mick jagger, yup

Swingers it’s so money it doesn’t even know it’s money, vince vaughn at his finest

Wet, Hot, American Summer absolutely brilliant summer camp spoof movie

Me and You and Everyone We Know beautifully creepy, brilliantly familiar

Sex, Lies and Videotapes sexy… james spader is just too sexy

A Shot in the Dark blake edwards with a little henry mancini sauce plus peter sellers makes one fucking great comedy

Detroit Rock City fuck yeah

Help! damn those beatles are cute… and the soundtrack rocks

Idiocracy a pretty realistic view of what our country is becoming… retarded

The Five Obstructions Lars Von Triers, great filmmaking about what exactly filmmaking can or could be

Some Like it Hot still makes me laugh so hard

Talk to Her ❤ almodovar

Forbidden Zone 80’s black and white rock musical adsurdist experimental raunchy epic film starring Danny Elfman as the devil with music by the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo

I’ll add more as I think of them